Number 18. Eighteen applications since April. Eighteen nos. One more closer to a "yes." "Torment" is the word I would describe filling out applications. "Euphoric relief" is how I would describe finishing one. The roller coaster of emotions is not for the weak. I can barely get through it. This is why people kill themselves-"looking for a job is a full time job." "How to Stay Positive During the Job Hunt" The headline draws me in. The article is written by "Lindsay," a special piece for US NEws and World Report. She already has a job. Her picture is seductive-chin down, eyes "making love" to the camera, no smile. Why the seductive picture for such a dry piece? What was she thinking when this picture was taken? "I'm hot?"" Look how great my hair looks?" "This is my best side?" Positive thinking the article suggests. #1: Take responsibility. How often do you let others control your happiness? Happiness, bitterness, and frustration are all choices. How you decide to react to any situation in a job search is up to you." Is it though? We are hard wired to react certain ways. The effort it takes to change my thinking is harder than answering 50 application questions. I'm already struggling to fill out this application, now you want me to change my brain

Lindsay suggests I "focus on the long-term benefits of the job search.' "You meet new people in every interview and networking event you attend." Great, Lindsay, you assume I'm getting an interview. 

"You learn from every experience." Dave and Ellen told me this. I agree. That's all I have for now. 

SUICIDEGIRL

I turn 50 in less than two months. It lords over me like a dark cloud. More than half of my life is over. I have done many things; I've lived a full life. Perhaps not to some people's standards. How do others measure success? By money earned? If so, I am hardly successful. If that is the standard by which they measure my success I don't even count. I am not a blip on their radar. Material things? Well, then maybe. What is a strong status material item to them? I am more than my material items.
One of the most stressful things about job hunting is that you are being judged, ripped apart, analyzed, judged. Did I already write "judged?" Well, it is because it is the majority of it. How do I sell myself? How do a few words on a few pages come across to others? How do you know me from looking at a few words on a few pages?
Why do I pursue a job when I've failed majorly? Why am I here trying? I have no choice.
Almost 50. The cloud follows me but I can place my hope and strength above my head, beneath the darkness. An umbrella that shelters me. I keep going.